hermanajuli

I fear getting old but I want to grow old.

The afternoon sun would perch through my window, it glows warm amber and I wonder about nonsencical things that seems to matter but not really.

Too many times I have witnessed how painful old age is.

A woman once said,

“Everything hurts”

You lose agility, your strength, mobility, your sight, your teeth, your hearing, and slowly the memories won’t stay long enough to be remembered.

It feels like time is taking away everything that you formerly did not even notice you have.

Despite the tragedy, somehow you hope to age enough to be able to experience some natural wonders such as seeing your dear child get married and bear another small human.

To be able to cradle your grandchild and love them kinder than how you have loved your children.

To grow old with someone you love, to be able to spend as many hours, days, and nights.

To watch him change and to be able to care for him for as long as you can.

But when you look at the sky, both of you must go.

And the thought of living without the other is a crashing thought, awfully frightening and sad.

To grow old.

Will it be a prize for being able to endure all the pain life throws at you or will it be paying off all the debts one has from enjoying the earthly pleasures human society could bring?

I guess I’ll hope to grow old.

Just because I wanna know.